Josh (Nicole's husband) and I are in the same Calculus II class.
Nicole's in the Statistics class I tutor for.
There was a perceived tension in the Stats class as a result, so I decided to approach her in an attempt to clear the air and I just floundered when I tried to speak my mind. I had been drafting what I wanted to say, but hadn't polished it or rehearsed it nearly enough so there was a lot of dead space with her dominating. Nothing bad, just not as direct as I would have liked.
I was given a second opportunity to express myself when she sent me this e-mail later that day:
Hey,
I really appreciate you coming up to me today.. It makes me feel more at ease about the classroom situation.. I was going to be approach you about the situation, but didn't have the balls to do it.. Im glad that I can approach you whenever I need help on the homework.. Thanks again
Sent from my iPhone
To which I gushingly replied:
It needed to be dealt with. When you said "Hi" on the first day, I panicked and tried to ignore you. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or how I was even supposed to act around you. It was awkward and disingenuous for me, as I attempted to state earlier, to try and maintain the front by ignoring you all semester. As hard as I may try to be, I am not a stoic guy and a dour face is not very becoming on either of us. I just want to be cordial and talk to you, but in doing so I realize I am inviting chaos and going against my better judgment (guess that’s nothing new). Please realize, I want transparency.
With that theme in mind -
I was hurt by the way the whole situation ended, but I can't be mad at you for my actions or decisions and realize how delusional it was for me to think you would have chosen our friendship over your marriage. It was irrational. But please understand that I wanted you to be happy (because I care about you) and you seemed pretty unhappy with your marriage at the time. Nothing I did was calculated or malicious in nature, it was misguided at best. What happened between us was... dumb luck? (I am not trying to belittle what we shared when I say that, I am simply at a loss for a better term.) I just wanted a friend and to be there to help see you through a hard time in your life, which probably wasn't the right place for me but it was so nice to be accepted and share so much commonality. Being around you made me genuinely happy which was probably my own selfish motivation for crossing so many boundaries and the reason for the remorse I felt over the dissolution of our friendship which evolved into a perpetual cycle of anger, guilt, and sorrow that was renewed every time I was reminded of you. Lastly, I don't exactly know what this exhibits, other than my low self esteem, but in looking back on the photos we took the last time we hung out I feel ashamed of myself because I was caught in a moment of joy; it's awkward and it makes me feel vulnerable because it's rare to feel that exuberant, let alone see oneself in that light.
Candidly yours,
attachment
It's been a few days since I've sent it and now I feel effeminate, maybe it was all a mistake and I shared too much because none of this is going to solve my inner conflict and now it's starting me make me feel worse because I feel exposed.
Now I await a response from either party.
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