introspection

Not dwelling in the past per se, but figured I would air these thoughts.

I suppose the reason I was so strung was because I was losing a friend and what I saw as a conduit for progress into a new phase of (emotional) maturity, but this was under false pretense given that it was merely mutual infatuation and knowing full well I had nothing to offer outside of myself (physical/emotional/mental/verbal) and in the end material and ease won out over what seemed to be the verge of happiness. Yet instead she retreated into a failing marriage because she didn't want the hassle of divorce or to miss the opportunity to go to Greece. Speaking of which, it will be interesting to see what happens with that given the uptick in political unrest in that region recently. Granted she had no financial independence and no thrift. Obviously it wouldn't have worked and we were both using each other, but it was fun while it lasted.

Additionally, I've been trying to understand my sexual avolition. I am not sure if it's due to my indecisive/indifferent temperament, inadequacy from being obese, rejection from divorce, etc. I don't know, I think I started this whole fitness campaign in a vain attempt to finally get laid, then I lost weight and still had no "game" and when I put myself out there I was waiting on some sort of perfection because I felt I had earned the right to deny the offers from the portly, while the ones I was attracted to still rejected my attempts at a come on. So I felt like it was a lost cause and just sort of accepted it, then she approached and practically raped me, so... it worked out in the end?